The · Mental · Wanderings · of · Me.

Yeah, like that's easy.

I read somewhere that to be a good wife I have to follow. Follow my husband, follow God,....just follow. Sometimes that sucks. With follow comes trust and that's something that's so brand-spanking new around here that I haven't taken it out of the wrapper yet. Hmmm, maybe I should. With my new trust I got 30% more free forgiveness. So, to follow means I have to trust and to trust I have to forgive. (It's a whole big followtrustforgiveness thing) And sometimes I just want to unplug my head off my shoulders, shake it and twist it back on in the hope that it all will make more sense to me. But that would just be weird.

Actually, it makes perfect sense but what sucks is that it's just damn near impossible when you're scared and listening to demons on your shoulder. I've done the whole not following thing before and that landed me in a whole mess of trouble. So I know this is good advice. I've heard somewhere that nothing worth having is easy. And I've also heard that sometimes down is up. That is my current life in a nutshell. I feel like all the things I want to do and say are the wrong things and all the things that I can't bring myself to do or say are the right things. SO this is where the God guy comes in, I guess. If I didn't need the Almighty assistance to achieve it, then it's just worthless to me anyway.

This is a treacherous road. But it leads to pure joy. So I will walk it and stub my toes and dart behind the occasional bush and sometimes just get so tired I'll sit down and cry so I can have some extra joy when I get there. Just to make up for it.

I don't even know where to begin....

I had my ass handed to me today at work. There's this thing where you're only supposed to get 4 tables in your section at a time but I got 6 in mine today. I used to be able to have 12....on Rollerblades, that is. I feel like I've been behind myself all day. Couldn't get caught up at work, can't get caught up at home, I just feel plain, old-fashioned stressed. My poor doggies need some exercise and I am so pent-up with stress and frustration that I cannot even begin to comprehend what a walk with them will be like today...

I talked with an old friend today and I just feel like her priorities are all out of whack. She's on her own journey, but I can't stand hearing about her life right now. I have a really hard time being supportive and compassionate when I believe she's just being destructive with her life. Am I just being judgemental or maybe I'm just being crabby about it? I mean, who cares what I think about her life, right? I hate it when I'm judgemental. I'm so bad at that. I do it to everyone close to me; my husband, my sister, my friends, my family....I wish I could just get rid of that part of me. I feel a little defeated.

Just watched the movie "Cinderella Man" that I rented on the 'Flix. I had to wait almost 4 months for it since Netflix is doing that stupid "throttling" thing with their frequent renters. Stupid companies. I have a good mind to complain about that to one one in particular. That'll show 'em.....Anyway, I must gush about this movie. Hollywooded, predictable, but oh, so satisfying. Thank God for Ron Howard and the "formula that works."

In other news, I believe that the Dog Whisperer is my new guru. I bought his book and read it in a night and now my life with my dogs is actually enjoyable. He is brilliant with his dog psychology. He says to exercise your dogs twice a day for best results, so I have dusted off my Rollerblades and taken them so much that their little paws are all chafed. Poor little dawggies......But they are quite relaxed these days......

I get to sleep in tomorrow!!!!!

I had to get up super early today because M needed a ride to work because the back tire on his bike is almost bald and kinda dangerous to drive with and we have to wait until Friday before we can buy a new one. Sigh. I hate getting up before the sun does. He was all animated and awake and alive and I was like a puddle of sludge in the passenger seat next to him and I sat there hating everyone and everything and being super irritated with anything slightly off-putting that was happening. Like the car jerking or the clink of his coffee mug or the stupid, stupid cold weather. (And it's not even that cold...)The cold weather sucks when you have to get out of your nice, warm bed. I am sitting here begrudgingly two hours before I normally get up. I can't even bring myself to face my dogs yet. I'm a totally different person before 9am.

Okay, I'm done complaining now.

Sometimes I feel like other people blame me for their emotional turmoil. I think that they believe that either I am the cause of it or I make some pre-existing condition worse. It's like that with M. He is forever blaming me for some vague thing and then gets frustrated when he can't explain what's bothering him and then it's all my fault.

Given, things are getting better between us. The communication is improving a ton. But I will not play his emotional games. Just as he refuses to play mine. Even though I'm not aware that I'm really playing any.

Tough week. But I made it.

Now it's time to just relax and keep on.

I watched a Pink Panther movie tonight. How can I take life so seriously when there's such stupid humor out there? Sometimes I sit and worry about money or moving or my marriage and here's Peter Sellers who is just trying to carry and armload of groceries out of an elevator but the collapsible wrought-iron gate keeps slamming shut on him. Or he is in an airplane in one of his "notorious" disguises and all he's trying to do is use a tiny airplane bathroom wearing a full cast on his outstretched leg. Does he get stressed out? Oh, hay-ell no. When I'm depressed, it feels good to laugh at other people's carefully choreographed misfortunes.

.......And she's down!

I am doing down like the damn Titanic. I really don't think there could be any downer than I was before, but I have found an all new low.

Big epiphany yesterday, but was like pulling teeth or giving birth. Painful. The piph in question came tearing into my soul, screeched to a burnt-rubber stop and sat there revving it's engine and enciting car-alarm startage within a 10 mile radius. Good lesson just painful entrance. Yikes! Now I feel like I'm only hanging on by one index finger.

I feel like the biggest loser today. In my head, I know that I'm not, but cosmically, it feels like my life has been aligned to help me feel just the opposite. I feel so out of control. But I guess that's where God wants us. I am so unhappy and have been ever since I moved away from MN and I sometimes wish I could go back to my old, happy life. But it's not there for me anymore. Things have gone on without me and I continue living this sorry excuse for a life.

I've been crying more lately. Like everyday. Maybe that's a good thing; I haven't cried much in the past few years; been too afraid to. (I am overusing my semi-colon too much but I don't care) I have been told that if you don't feel pain, then it means you're dead. Like your feelings are dead. I feel so alive that it's killing me.

When will it get better? When will the pain stop or even just let up a bit? When will I lose weight or even breathe deeply? When can I stop being afraid? When can I just get down to the business of being me again?

Okay, so I'm breathing....and it's good....

I'm in an emotional minefield. I feel like little sharp pesky bombs are popping off by my ankles and they're not wounding me, they're just making it difficult to walk. Like, oooh. There's another one. Step carefully, now. But I think I'm maneuvering well. I'm pretty proud of myself.

But Ohhhhhh, my car is purring like a kitty......($350 later)

Okay, here we go....

I'm up at the top of a huge hill, staring down into the fear. I am trying to remind myself to just be where I'm at. I keep reminding myself that it's okay not to be okay. I've been doing this all day and my plan has backfired and now I feel depressed. I'm working myself into a funk by trying not to work myself into a tizzy.....What is a tizzy, anyway?

I know my best plan is just to take a deep breath and let God lead me where I need to go. I'm trying to do this by myself again.

I officially get on the rollercoaster at 9pm tonight.

Can a person ride a rollercoaster for a week and not throw up?